Kiss the MSTies and make them cry…

This is not going to turn into a videogame blog. But, I really couldn’t resist.

One of the unfortunate tropes of the game industry is to license other creative media and try to build a game around it. If there is a big budget special effects extravaganza, rest assured, there will be a game bearing the same name available on the popular gaming systems of the day. Harry Potter the movie the game, or Transformers the movie the game can only be expected.

What can be surprising is the tenacity of B or C list movies getting turned into games. Even when games were less expensive to develop then they are now, I fail to understand how many licensed titles ever made it through a rudimentary economic pass on a Profit and Loss sheet.

The amusing thing about these games is they are frequently spectacularly bad, in terms of production value, quality and relation to their source material. I myself have one of these credited to my name, for some support programming work I did. The saving grace was they misspelled my name in the credits. Given that the game in question made at least one popular “Worst 20 games of all time” list, that was probably a mercy.

I was thinking over the weekend, trying to construct a modern monstrosity of movie licensed game gone horribly wrong. It would have to be vaguely plausible, and able of making fans of the movie, fans of gaming, and verily the baby Jesus himself weep bitter tears.

What I ultimately came up with: Mystery Science Theatre 3000: The Movie: The Game. For Nintendo DS.

It is a flawed brilliant pitch: MST3K had rabid fans, a cult hit, people want to relive the nostalgia! Never mind that it’s completely unsuited to a game! Of course, a brilliant game designer might be able to salvage the concept. But for the purposes of my thought experiment, I want to make as many heads ‘asplode as possible.

So. First off, for ‘licensing reasons’ I’m going to avoid the great Joel vs. Mike debate. By using neither one of them in the game. That’s right, there will be a completely new human on the Satellite of Love. His name will be Craig. His existence will not be explained by any back-story. He’s just there. His dialogue will consist mostly of three annoying catchphrases. One of them will be “This satellite is running out of love!”

Now, the plot. We’ll make Gypsy evil. She has taken over the ship and plans to crash the moon into the earth, wiping out all life on the planet. Craig and the bots have to stop her. Of course, Gypsy will need to be totally redesigned with a Medusa-like horde of tentacle arms. With lasers.

Mini-games will be required. We will bring back The Invention Exchange, only it will look something like Minesweeper. Crow will star in side-scrolling shooter levels, attacking hordes of spawned mini-Gypsy attack bots colored different colors. Crow, of course, will need to be equipped with shoulder mounted rocket launchers. Since Guitar Hero is popular, Tom Servo will star in a mini-game that is a poor rhythm game clone set to show tunes.

Anybody want to pay me, say $120,000 to develop this abomination? Anybody?


2 Responses to “Kiss the MSTies and make them cry…”

  1. 1 Jeff Eaton November 11, 2008 at 5:31 am

    That’s… that’s horrifying. It’s even more horrifying to read your pitch and understand — to know deep in my soul that it could happen.

  2. 2 Ajax November 12, 2008 at 1:05 am

    You are an evil, evil man.

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